Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

The Life of “I”

Posted: December 28, 2010 by Anindya Dutta in individuality, life, marriage
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A few days back a close friend of mine went through a nightmarish turmoil when she came to know that her family had unearthed (and quite ingeniously, I must say!!!) that she was dating someone from a different caste/religion. In order to ensure that this post does not brew any fresh trouble for her, let’s call this friend of mine Ayesha for the sake of anonymity. As I saw Ayesha struggle to deal with constant family pressures as she patiently tried to cajole her parents into acceptance, I wondered as to why there seemed to be swathes of unfathomable differences between Ayesha and her elders. I mean, let’s face it. Ayesha’s case is no exception to the rule, though she does tend to deviate from the mean quite often (For starters, she did NOT like Dabangg!!!). The fact is that there are several such Ayeshas in this world who are rebelling against parents for a variety of reasons – marriage, career, dressing styles, friends, alcohol and so on. Also there seems to be enough evidence to suggest that this concern does not affect any one gender more than the other, highlighting the universality of the problem.

This “generation gap”, as many of us more commonly know this phenomenon as, has often raised several socio-cultural questions and many a reason has been advocated for the generation divide from time to time. My approach to addressing the issue is, however, slightly contrarian in nature. Rather than trying to address why people belonging to our parents’ generation do not understand us, I ask – Why is it that people of our generation don’t want to comply more often with their parents’ wishes? Why is it that we swear to love our boyfriends/girlfriends till death do us apart, even when we know that our parents will never agree? Why is it that a little black dress will always be a part of a girl’s wardrobe, despite her knowing that her parents will never approve? And even when we do comply, why is it that we never go down without a fight?

The answer, in my opinion, is a result of a rapid change in the way individuals perceive themselves in today’s world. Every second of our existence, we have come to believe that we are the center of the universe with the sun, the moon and the stars all strutting their stuff at various points of the day vying for our undivided attention. Eugenicists will tell you that part of the smugness comes from the belief that we are genetically a superior human race than our parents. But, a more believable hypothesis in my opinion is that this sense of individual superiority has been driven by business practices over the last two-three decades.

It all began when operations researchers went to work on the entire philosophy of “mass customization” a couple of decades back. For the uninitiated, mass customization was the ever unachievable Holy Grail of operations management where you produce goods and services for the masses but ensure a high degree of customization which meets every individual’s idiosyncratic needs. After all, what use is a vintage Black Ford when I want a bright yellow truck with a dash of bright red and with “PussyWagon” written all over it? (Remember Kill Bill, eh?) Well in the world of mass customization – you asked for it and you almost always got it!

Advertisers world over then took this one step further. Ever wondered what is common to “Because you are worth it” (L’Oreal), “Have it your way”(Burger King), “Where do you want to go today?” (Microsoft) and “Express Yourself” (Airtel)? Ya, right. The word – “YOU”. And these are only a few examples of advertisement taglines which have made no pretences in making the individual the sole focal point of their attention over the last two decades. Pepsi’s concept of Youngistaan, MTV and Channel V’s continuous infatuation with creating a separate youth culture, and Bollywood’s spanky new obsession with glorifying rebellion in our generation (3 Idiots, Rang de Basanti, Saathiya etc.) have created a heady cocktail fuelling our aspirations and ambitions today where words like “I”, “Me” and “Myself” have exalted status. Such is the nature and pull of this newfound obsession glorifying the individual that even bellwether Apple introduced the “i” in its product names (the iMacs, iPads, iPods, iTunes etc.) to emphasize the importance of individuality  – a reflection of the times we live in these days.

Although it is tough to say whether this trend bodes well for us or not, a large part of the friction between our parents’ generation and our generation is due to this emphasis on “I” which manifests itself in our refusal to compromise on most issues. The truth cannot be denied that we live in a world where every second of the day we are made to believe that our wants and needs are of prime importance and that the right to choose our own lifestyles is not negotiable. It is this sense of liberation and the romanticism which accompanies this sense which makes us want more for ourselves.

But, isn’t this good news? Isn’t that exactly what we are here for? For ourselves, honestly aren’t we worth it?

Well only time will tell. As of now, I do feel amused when I wonder how it will be like standing on the other side of the discussion responding to our children’s views on life several years from now, as they tear their hair apart wondering why their parents are not more rational and understanding!

The author sighs and signs off!

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The Yellow Canary

Posted: September 7, 2010 by Gurveen Bedi in Career, Women
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It was a yellow canary. When she broke out of the egg, she came out all fluffy, yellow and grey. They taught her how to take flight with her tiny wings. They trained her to sing, in a soulful voice that became the fame of the jungle. They showed her to track seeds, and build her cup nest in the best of shrubs. Then one day as she was flying high in the sky, a netted cloth closed on to her, clipped her wings together. Next she awoke, she found herself in a golden cage, with an abundance of seeds, with people co-cooing her all around, urging her to sing.

She never sang again. And a few days later, was no more.

Similar to the life of the yellow canary, will be the life of several young women of our generation, whom for lack of better words, I will chose to call Alpha Females. These alpha females have been considered equal to boys since childhood. They have competed with the boys (and defeated them) right from school days – in exams, debates, tests – and then later on in higher levels of competition like college entrances, job interviews etc. This continuous competition and regular winning has ingrained an indomitable fighting spirit in their minds. They are employed by the best of firms, in the best of careers, and feel that their journey for success has just started.

And exactly at that point of time, comes along their netted cloth – marriage.

Suddenly the alpha females find themselves in completely unfamiliar terrain. All of a sudden, the expectations from them change. Their parents start expecting that they will now leave their career ambitions to have a fruitful and happy married life. Their husbands appreciate their success till date, but want them to become adjusting now. They do not want conflicts and believe that the important career in the household is their own, and hence the secondary career can be sacrificed a little. All this in the name of a happy married life.

In the process, the alpha females get hurtled around. The concept of taking their foot off the pedal or slowing down their success rate is too foreign to digest. They have two options, to stay alone or to slow down. Either way, it’s a lose-lose situation. If they stay alone, the loneliness will finally get to them. If they slow down, their lack of achievement, after the hard work they have put in throughout life, will always pinch them.

If this is what equanimity between men and women finally gets you, one wonders about the efficacy of the efforts, when the expectations are skewed in nature. It is like encouraging women to run the 500 metres sprint, and then asking them to slow down after the first 100 metres; and then justifying it by saying that at least they got the experience of running the first 100 metres.

The recent years have seen a multitude of efforts being put in, all across the world, to confer on women a way of living similar to that of men, to enable them to stand in the world as equals in all respects, to feel liberated and emancipated.

But this emancipation is inherently flawed. It provides you with a liberated lifestyle while you’re young, but once you have experienced the freedom and independence that the lifestyle gets you, the society comes back again to strike you with its burden of expectations of adjustment.

This flaw, unless solved, will leave several young women utterly confused and torn apart in the process of their growth.